Working with shame - A practical, 6-step process to befriend and integrate our most toxic emotion.

I disagree with Brene Brown on how to work with shame. What we do agree on is that integrating shame is one of the best ways to create more freedom and decrease personal suffering.

If you’ve been reading my recent work, you’ll notice a theme running through it: identity. This thread isn’t a coincidence—it traces directly back to something called the Identity model of change. Simply put: our sense of self is the most significant driver of long-term behavior change and habit formation.

If your goal is personal growth and/or peak performance, I believe this is essential.

In previous pieces, I’ve talked a lot about how we can construct identity—how we can consciously shape who we are by exploring our values, defining our purpose, and understanding the roots of our beliefs that trace back to early relationships with our parents.

But identity work isn’t just about construction—it’s also about de-conditioning.

So… how have we been conditioned?

Our identity is shaped by several layers of influence:

- Our parents and caregivers, who mirrored back our early sense of self.

- Our peer groups, especially around middle school, when we started defining ourselves socially.

- Media narratives, constantly whispering who and what is “cool,” “worthy,” “righteous,” or “desirable.”

All of these shape the stories we adopt about who we are and how we’re supposed to be in the world. And often, as we get older, we begin to realize that those stories are not aligned with our authentic selves and who we truly want to be.

Of all the forces that condition our identity, there’s one that’s more insidious—and more destructive—than any other:

Shame.

A Dinner I’ll Never Forget

Several years ago, I was at a birthday dinner for a friend—a well-known functional medicine doctor -- and there happened to be a lot of really smart medical minds in the room. I ended up seated next to a friend, Esther Perel, renowned relationship therapist and one of my favorite thinkers in the realm of relational intelligence. At the time, Esther was beginning to speak more publicly about men and masculinity. In the aftermath of Me Too, she had a powerful stance: if we want to support women, we must also support men—especially young men, who by many measures are in crisis.

I asked her, “Esther, if there was one practice or piece of wisdom you wish every man could understand or explore, what would it be?”

She looked me in the eyes, paused, and said just one word:

“Shame.”

“I wish that men knew how to feel their shame, how to work with it, how to share it consciously with others.”

That was six years ago. Just a few weeks ago, I ran into her and asked if her answer would be any different today.

She thought for a moment and said, once again: “No. It would still be some form of that.”

What is Shame and Why is it So Important?

Shame is the emotion tied to the story that we ourselves are fundamentally broken or unworthy. It’s the internal voice that says:

- I’m not good enough.

- I’ll never be lovable.

- That thing I did is unforgivable.

Shame is a direct attack on identity. It doesn’t say “I did something wrong”—it says I am wrong.

And here's why this matters so much: if identity drives behavior, and our identity is wrapped in shame, then we’re trying to build a house on a cracked foundation.

Shame vs. Guilt

It’s important to distinguish shame from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something that was out of alignment with my values.” It’s tied to behavior—and it can be productive.

Shame, on the other hand, says “I am bad” - It is tied to our identity.

Example: You yell at your kid.

- Guilt says: “I shouldn’t have yelled.”

- Shame says: “I’m a bad parent.”

One helps you to evaluate your actions and promotes change. The other gets you down on yourself and makes change more difficult.

Why Shame Becomes Toxic

The difficulty with shame is that it feels radioactive. Because it often centers around the worst parts of ourselves, we work overtime to hide it. We think, “If people knew I felt this way about myself, they’d leave me.” So we suppress it. We bury it deep.

And the deeper it goes, the more those stories start to feel true, the less access we have to process and integrate these challenging emotions and shameful thoughts.

And ultimately, when we don’t address the stories, we start to believe we really are unworthy, broken, or fundamentally not enough.

This is why shame is one of the biggest barriers to lasting transformation.

And why, if we’re doing deep identity work, we must engage with it directly.

“Shame Dies in Sunlight”

Brené Brown said this, and I couldn’t agree more.

The second that we really look at our shame and share it consciously, it loses its power over us. When we speak it aloud, or write it out, it becomes much easier to identify the shame as a story, or a thought and not “the truth.”

With that said, it is important to explore and express our shame with intention and tact.

This isn’t about trauma-dumping or oversharing for the sake of it. It’s about consciously engaging with shame and integrating it in a way that helps ourselves and others to reclaim our power.

Here’s a practical process that will help you do just that:

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The Transforming Shame Exercise

I would highly encourage you to do this exercise when you have ample space and time to complete it (30-60 minutes). The first part of this exercise can unearth a lot of shame and it can be very draining and counter productive to do this part of the activity without following through on step 2 (The Work) and step 3 (Identifying positive intent).

You will also notice in the notes below that I sometimes encourage participants to “talk to their shame.” If you are unfamiliar with this concept, it may be helpful to review my introduction to “Emotional Inquiry,” a process that helps us converse with our emotions as distinct entities within ourselves. This conversational approach to feeling our feelings can be quite powerful and makes it easier to connect with out emotions.

Step 1: Identify the Shame Stories

With awareness comes choice. The first step in integrating our shame is simply becoming aware of it.

The first part of the process is a journaling exercise. Ask yourself: What are the mean things I say to myself about myself?

- The ways I’m not enough

- The things I’ve done that feel unforgivable

- The negative stuff I think others believe about me

- The things I tell myself I’ll never be/achieved

Write freely for 15–20 minutes. Get it all out.

Step 2: Trim your list and do The Work

Identify the shame stories that feel the most present—the ones that loop in your head most frequently.

Create a separate list with just these that we can start to do some work on. I would recommend no more than ten. I know, it’s a strange ‘top 10’ list.

Now, let’s get to work. Pun intended.

Practice “The Work” by Byron Katie

The Work by Byron Katie is a powerful method of inquiry that teaches us to identify and question the thoughts that cause suffering. It's a way to understand what's troubling us, and to change the thinking that's keeping us stuck.

Take each story through the 4 questions and turnaround of “The Work”:

So, if your top shame story is, “I’m not good enough.” You would ask…

1. Is this true?

2. Can I objectively know that it’s true?

3. How do I react when I believe this thought?

4. Who would I be without this thought?

Then: Turn it around.

Could the opposite be true?

This practice creates space. It helps us to recognize this story is a thought, not a fact and the thought itself is creating undesired emotions.

When we start to realize that it is our thoughts that are creating the majority of our reactivity, we create more spaciousness and relax a little bit. In that space, we’re more capable of choosing how we want to respond to the story.

Step 3: Look for the Positive Intention and Purpose of the Emotion

Brene Brown said - "We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others." While I love Brene’s work, I completely disagree with this point and think this perspective keeps people trapped in shame cycles.

Shame is actually a powerful motivating force. I work with plenty of unicorn founders who are full of shame and have grown because of it. The subtle and important distinction is that it CAN be effective… it just isn’t sustainable, enjoyable, or optimal. We unlock our true power to integrate shame when we are honest about the benefit we get from holding onto it.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming, there’s a famous saying: “There is no enemy in the mind.”

It speaks to the paradoxical idea that all of our thoughts (and corresponding emotions) are here to serve us in some way. Even if their impact is destructive, negative or hurtful, the intention must be positive or it wouldn’t exist.

The human mind has evolved to do one thing better than any other…survive. The most remedial way it knows how to do this, is by detecting threats and pointing us towards potential danger.

Even shame is trying to serve us—by pointing out potential threats.

When we realize this, our relationship with our challenging thoughts and emotions becomes much less combative and far more collaborative.

For example…

• The shame story that we will never have enough money is trying to motivate us to work hard and make more money so we’re “safe.”

• The shame story that we are unlovable is trying to drive us towards doing the things that will help us to acquire a partner and be loved.

• The shame story that people don’t think we’re smart is trying to push us to be smarter and belong.

In my work with entrepreneurs, I think of shame based motivation as “dirty fuel” and it is incredibly prevalent. it is based on the idea that I will “ be enough” when I accomplish x, y or z. The truth of this dirty fuel is that it works…for a time. While it does provide motivation, it also causes burnout, unaligned actions and inevitably we realize that there is no amount of achievement that can fill a bottomless pit.

Go through your ‘top 10’ list and see if you can find the intention/purpose of each shame story. How is it trying to motivate or protect you from something? Write down your answers below each thought.

Resistance is normal

It is natural to have a great deal of resistance to seeing the positive intention of our shame. This is because most of us are keenly aware of how detrimental the shame and limiting beliefs have been in our life. Welcome in this resistance and assure it that it will get its moment to be fully heard next.

Before we focus on the negative impact of our shame, we have to let the shame know that we see how it has our best interest at heart. This is how we start to befriend our shame and make it easier to work with.

It might be helpful to approach this like an argument with your romantic partner. When you are in the heat of an argument and don’t feel fully heard, how good are you at hearing their perspective? Not great, right? You need to feel like they are hearing you and interested in what you have to say before you can calm down and listen to them. This is just like that, except it is your shame that needs to feel heard.

Step 4: Appreciate the Shame

Once we are able to acknowledge the motivation and protection the shame is trying to provide us, it is often helpful to try and find appreciation for the shame and what it is trying to do.

Acknowledging the positive intention enables us to access the shame with more compassion, which helps us to respond consciously to it, rather than resisting or suppressing it.

One of the most powerful things we can say to our shame is “you make sense.”

If you do this exercise and feel the shame present in your body (we call emotions “feelings” for a reason), I would invite you to close your eyes, feel into the shame and share your understanding of it’s intention, as well as any appreciation you might have for what it is trying to do. Notice how you feel afterwards.

Step 5: Articulate the Impact

From a place of understanding and compassion, we can begin to articulate the actual impact of the shame. Even though the intention is positive, the impact is likely very destructive.

Under each shame story, articulate all of the ways that it holds you back, hurts you and inhibits your full expression of self.

I.e. if the shame story is “I’m not good enough.” Articulating the impact could sound like…

“When you are here, I second guess myself.” “When you are here, I am less confident and don’t talk to new people.” “When you are here, I don’t take risks.” etc.

Imagine that the shame is a friend of yours and you are sharing the things that it is doing that impact you negatively. You are not criticizing or reprimanding it, you are simply letting it know how it impacts you.

Step Six: Propose a New Way Forward

Once the shame has been acknowledged and we begin to see the negative impact it’s having, it’s time to propose a new way of operating—one where shame isn’t in the driver’s seat.

As we’ve discussed, shame usually shows up to protect us or push us toward some ideal. So the next move is to assure it that we’ve got a plan. If we’re no longer going to run on the dirty fuel of shame, what clean fuel can we use instead? Maybe it’s authenticity, purpose, a desire to serve, or even the realization that we’re already safe and don’t need protection at all.

This isn’t about demanding a complete identity overhaul. It’s about offering experiments. Instead of saying, “Go away, you don’t need to tell me “I’m not good enough anymore—I’m going to be totally authentic in every business setting from now on,” try this:

“Hey, at this next conference, what if you took a back seat? Let me lead with curiosity and authenticity, just to see what happens when I am totally myself. Let’s notice how we feel. Let’s pay attention to how people respond. Maybe we’ll discover that this old story—that I’m not good enough—isn’t helping us anymore.”

These small experiments create undeniable proof that we’re more effective, more alive, and more connected without shame running the show.

And like the old adage goes: nothing leaves us until it’s taught us what it came to teach. This is how we begin to move beyond shame—for good.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, a leader in self-compassion research, created something called the self-compassion break. It inspired a mantra I use on my retreats and with clients, I call it “The Shame Mantra.”

The next time you, or someone you care about is feeling shame, repeat this mantra…

> I am experiencing shame.

> Shame is a part of life.

> Everyone experiences shame.

> May I get the message, if there is one—and if not, go back to living my life.

These words help us to remember that shame is universal.

Our shame doesn’t mean we are broken, it means that we are human.

When we can meet our own shame with compassion, we make it easier to work with and overcome.

I often invite people to think about the people you love most, your kids, your spouse, your best friends.

Ask yourself whether you believe that they are experiencing shame in their lives? It is pretty easy to imagine that they are, right?

Now, I’ll invite you to meet your shame with the compassion and kindness that you hope those people can meet their shame with. Sometimes it is easier to do things for others than it is for ourselves, this frame provides us with valuable perspective and agency.

If we can do it, we can help those people to do it as well.

How to Share Your Shame With Others

My friend Jesse Israel has a beautiful phrase:

“Share from the scar, not the wound.”

Don’t rush to broadcast your shame. Instead, start with someone safe. A therapist. A trusted friend. A coach or transformational retreat.

Having conversations like these is one of the reasons I am such a big fan of men’s and women’s groups. These trusted circles are a safe place to talk about everything, to show up as the real, raw version of ourselves. Best of all, they are free and anyone can start one. Here is my simple guide to start a group.

Whatever the context, you can use this exercise as a jumping off point to kickstart your conversation and share what you discovered.

Ask questions to see if they struggle with similar things.

As you begin to speak your shame aloud, it immediately loses its power.

And in doing so, you create space for others to do the same.

Final Reminder

Shame is not something to conquer—it’s something to integrate.

It’s not the enemy. It’s simply a misguided protector.

When we engage it with awareness, compassion, and intentionality, it can become one of the most powerful levers for change.

So if you have shame, congratulations. You are a human being.

Let’s get to work.