How to Start a Men's (or Women's) Group: A Comprehensive Guide

A men's group is one of the most impactful things you can do for your personal growth. This is a simple breakdown of the techniques, rules and communication frameworks that will help you to start one.

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Starting a men’s group seven years ago has had the highest return of any investment I’ve made into my personal growth.

I can’t think of any better way to nurture meaningful relationships and stay committed to doing our deep “inner-work.”

My experience in group has been everything. A place to cry with laughter and collapse in the depths of pain. A place to celebrate my victories and get called out on my bullshit. It has helped me to cultivate a constructive relationship with my emotions and anchored me into deep service of men I respect. Men’s group has become THE place where I know that all of me is not only welcome…it is required.

It has been one of the best things I’ve ever done and many men I know who have participated in a group say the same thing.

The post below seeks to outline the most important things I have learned along the way, in my own group and working with hundreds of men through the Junto.

Most importantly, I want to reassure anyone reading this that there is absolutely no prior experience or financial resources required to start a group and run it effectively. Only a desire to do so and commitment to follow through. 

Before I begin, I’s like to acknowledge the influence that two groups have had on me and how I lead men’s groups. The Cleveland Center for Gestalt Therapy and Dorothy Charles of Tribal Ground. You were the first people who showed me how to get into my body, feel my feelings and run an effective process group. Thank you for the transformative gift of your work. 

Dan, John and Owen from EVRYMAN who were kind of enough to share their internal guidelines for running a mens group all those years ago. Your guidelines are what I used to start my first group in 2017. Thank you for the groundbreaking work yall did to shepherd in this second wave of men’s work in the world. 

Let’s start with the men’s group basics: who, what, when, where, why and how? 

Who should start / join a men’s group? 

Any man that is serious about personal growth and seeking deep brotherhood and community is a great candidate for a men’s group.

In my experience, the ideal number of guys for a group is between 6-10. You can start with as few as 4 and flex up to as many as 12. 

My advice for choosing men for your group is to pick guys that you want to be friends with and support. You don’t need to be friends with them currently, but you should want to be. 

When the men in your group are friends(ish), it adds a layer of fun and community connection to the personal growth you’ll certainly receive. When you believe in the guys around you, it makes it easier to commit to group. You will find more fulfillment in supporting their journey.

If you can: seek out folks who have different perspectives than you (racial, sexual orientation, socioeconomic etc.) 

What is a men’s group? 

In general, a men’s group is a circle of men who commit to gathering on a consistent basis to connect and support each other. How a group is conducted varies widely.

What I share below is my summary of the emotion-forward techniques, practices and agreements that have been most effective for the groups I have started and advised.

When do you host a men’s group? 

Men’s group should take place on the same night, on a consistent schedule, for approximately 2-3 hours.

I think that 2 meetings a month is the lowest frequency I have seen to achieve true group cohesion. For 5 years, I did a weekly group in New York and I have personally landed on 3x a month with my group in Austin, we take the first Tuesday of every month off. 

We also set up an hour before group begins for social time. Whoever is leading our group that week is responsible for setting up a group order on Uber Eats. The social hour runs from 6:30-7:30 and is totally optional. This give us some time to eat before group and hang out with each other as friends.

Group momentum is really important. I suggest that everyone in group is required to post a video check in on your groups’ off weeks (same day that your group normally meets) so you get a peek into the men’s lives and how they are doing when you don’t have group. 

My group also takes the summer off (June/July/August) as many of us travel internationally and virtual meetings are quite difficult. If you can avoid this, it is not recommended for new groups or those groups who have achieved true cohesion. DO virtual during summer if it is difficult to maintain in-person meetings.

Where do you host a men’s group? 

It is preferential that your men’s group can meet in person, at a venue that is nearly equidistant for all the guys in your group. It’s also okay to switch group meeting spot around week to week based on whoever is leading your group that week (more on this later). 

A home or office works well, so long as they are empty and free of distraction. You will not want family, friends or coworkers within earshot. No distractions is crucial. 

While in-person is ideal, virtual is also a powerful option that I utilized for two years during Covid. I know many people who do this effectively. 

If you want to start a group but can’t do in-person, or want to do a group with your close friends who are around the country, give virtual a shot and be very clear about no distractions while people are on your zoom. In many ways, virtual is an easier commit as you don’t need to commute and can do it wherever you are in the world. 

Why should I join a men’s group? 

I think there are two main reasons that any man would want to join a men’s group…

1. Personal growth 

2. Brotherhood and community 

Every man needs growth and connection to feel fulfilled. Men’s group is incredibly effective at providing both. 

Men are really good at falling into the achievement trap. So much of our focus in life goes towards manifesting our purpose and professional success. This often happens at the expense of our relational lives and friendships.

As Stephen Covey says, “don’t prioritize your schedule, schedule your priorities.”

Men’s group makes it easier to prioritize the relational and intrapersonal commitment many of us want for our lives. 

How do I start/lead a men’s group? 

For most people in a consistent group, it is one of the biggest commitments they will make in their life. You will spend more time with these guys than many of your best friends and even family members. Here’s how you get it right:

1. Start with clear agreements and expectations. 

As the leader(s) - you should set the tone for what your group will look like on time/schedule/style etc. Write all of this down in a letter that will also serve as your invitation message to folks you’d like to invite. (I provide a sample letter below)

You only want guys who are 100% bought in. You can get explicit buy-in by presenting clear agreements and expectations. If you go out with a lack of clarity on the who, what, when, where and why…you will be far less successful and end up with a lot of maybes. Your group will not be for everyone and that’s a good thing. 

The most important things to address in your agreements and expectations are:

• Mandatory attendance 

• Confidentiality 

• Onboarding

• What your group does

• How many guys / who is in group 

• The goals & purpose of your group

At your first meeting; you should have everyone verbally commit to the agreements or even better, sign a physical copy of your agreements (bi-laws) 

Here is a sample invite letter to get things moving with your group. 

(If you don’t have enough men identified in your personal network, send a note out to your friends, or social media asking for recommendations or connections to guys that might be interested) 

—-

Hey xxx, 

I’m getting in touch with an invitation to join the men’s group I’m starting. If you have any questions on the below, I’d be happy to hop on the phone.

I have heard great things about the benefit of men’s groups for personal growth and building community and I’d be honored for you to join us if you think you have the bandwidth and desire.

I know it is a big commitment, but I also think there will be a big payoff. 

Here are the basics: 

Our group will meet x times a month on (Monday/tuesday) evenings from 730pm-930pm. 

We will meet at (enter location) and there should be about 6-10 guys in our group. 

The group is focused on helping the men in our group to hone their emotional intelligence, personal integrity and relational mastery. Our group will be a space for us to do our own deep work, while also holding space for other men to do theirs.  

If you do want to explore this, we only ask people to commit for 1 group session to begin. If you like it, then you’d commit to a month, and then the year. Obviously you could opt out at any time if it is no longer a value-add for you. 

Some important agreements:

• Mandatory attendance 

Men will be required to attend group unless there is a mandatory work/family engagement that requires time presence. “Too much work” or “too busy” is never an excuse. The only excuse is essentially when you’re out of town. 

After two unexcused absences you are kicked out of group and would need to get voted back in.

• Confidentiality 

Everything that is shared in group stays in group. You can share what you say, but nothing that anyone else shares unless you get explicit permission first. 

• Style of our group

We will use a style of communication in our group called “emotional inquiry.” To guide our conversations. 

Each man will be required to study this document and the core questions before our first meeting. I will not be leading the group every week, each man will be expected to lead and there will be a clear structure to do that. No prior experience in this is required. 

https://andrewhorn.substack.com/p/using-emotional-inquiry-to-develop

If you have any questions, let me know!

Thanks,

(Your name) 

2. What is the structure of a typical meeting? 

Most meetings will follow the same structure to start and a new man should be responsible for leading each week.

The leader starts the meeting, keeps things running on time and closes the meeting. 

The leader for your following week should be selected during the administration section in each weeks meeting. 

Here is a typical timeline for a men’s group:

• 5 min - administration - Before you officially “check-in” and open the group , discuss any administrative stuff for group like fines from last week, upcoming dates, selecting your next meeting leader or withholds. 

(A withhold is an opportunity to share any judgment, or resentment that will keep you from being present in your session. I.e. “just wanted to share that I have a ton of work today and I don’t really want to be here.” “Hey X, I’m really upset that you didn’t thank me for helping you at work last week.” This is not a time for a discussion just one share back and forth, acknowledgement and then you move forward.)

• 5 min - check in - share most present emotion and body sensations. 

• 10 min (or less) - meditation - you can use insight timer and any basic body scan focused on getting the men into their bodies. Don’t do meditations focused on “stress relief.” 

• 60 min - group processing time - the leader can offer a prompt or theme for the exploration that week, i.e. father, money, sex, shame etc. Or, you can always default to, “the emotion most present for me is” or “the emotion that deserves my attention is.” If you have 8 or more guys, I suggest breaking into 1-on-1 groups for 10-minute shares and then after 20-minutes is up, you would rejoin as a group and anyone who needs more time to share would have an opportunity to share in front of the larger group. 

• 10 min - closing checkout - each man does a quick checkout, owns the emotion that is most present for them and how they feel in there body. They also have the option to share a commitment they are making to themselves in front of the group. 

You can use these “areas of life” and their corresponding questions to prompt your Initial discussions. Let the man answer the question, provide some context and then take them into Emotional Inquiry.

Relationship to self - “what are the mean things I say to myself…about myself?”

Healthy & Body - “What is the biggest challenge I have with my body?”

Love and Romance - “How do I judge my sexuality?”

Career & Leadership - “How do I feel about my career and where I am going?”

Money & Wealth - “What is my relationship to money?”

Family and father - “How has my father most impacted who I am?”

Friends and Community - “How am I showing up for my friends and community?”

Purpose & Contribution - “How clear am I on why I am here and what matters most to me?”

Shame - “How do I tell myself I am broken or not enough?”

Anger - “What is my relationship with anger?”

Once your group has mastered this core process and how to communicate from the emotions, you can start to branch out into other activities. 

Our group typically tries to do one “adventure group” per month where we do an activity, or bring in a guest expert and do shorter emotional processing. (CrossFit, gun range, Jiu jitsu, tantra) Again, I only recommend adventure days and altering your structure after you have mastered the Emotional Inquiry process and your group feels tight. 

3. Kick off / getting your group started 

Once you have your members identified, it is time for you to plan a date for kickoff. 

I believe it is best to host a 1 to 2 day retreat to get your group connected and on the same page quickly. 

It doesn’t need to be expensive. Plan a camping trip, rent a spot in the woods and plan to spend some extended time with each other.

You will want to dive into the Emotional Inquiry techniques and host your first official “circles” while you are all together. 

Another way to drive meaningful conversation is to have each man rate themselves on a scale of 1-10 in each of these areas before the event (inspired by the Handel Groups “areas of life exercise”). 10 being fully expressed and 0 being not at all. This way everyone comes in having thought deeply about how they are doing and what areas of their life deserve their attention.

• Relationship to self

• Healthy & Body

• Love and Romance

• Career & Leadership

• Money & Wealth

• Time

• Home

• Family

• Friends and Community

• Fun and Adventure

• Purpose & Contribution

• Spirituality

If you can’t do a weekend retreat, do a one day intensive with your group. Do something fun in town or get a meal together so that everyone can hang out and get to know each other on a deeper level. 

4. Hiring a facilitator or coach to help you and your group 

While not required, it can be helpful to recruit a trained coach or facilitator to get your group off the ground. 

This may also be a valuable addition for your kickoff weekend and training your group in Emotional Inquiry. 

While bringing in an expert will be valuable for learning and accelerating velocity to “getting it,” it is vital that each man in group learns the skills to lead without outside support. 

If you have consistent professional support, you are moving away from a traditional men’s group and towards a professional “mastermind” in my opinion (neither is better, just calling out the different functions) 

If you want to bring in a pro, lean on them during your launch and to learn about specific techniques from time to time.

My groups have frequently paid outside experts to teach us about different modalities (shadow work, tantra,  breath-work etc) 

If this is something you are interested in, feel free to message me. I have a network of coaches who do this type of work at every budget level.

5. Focus on the emotions 

Men spend a lot of time in their heads. We are naturally analytical and driven towards problem solving. There’s nothing wrong with this, I just don’t believe this way of interacting with our consciousness is ideal for group intimacy or deep work. 

Being in our heads is also an easy defense mechanism to stay away from the unknown and ambiguous world of our emotions. 

If we allow men to stay “in story” groups can often devolve into problem solving and shit talking. Staying with the emotions promotes a layer of self discovery and intimacy that is incredibly valuable.

I break down the process and value of emotion-forward processing like this in this article on Emotional Inquiry - https://andrewhorn.substack.com/p/using-emotional-inquiry-to-develop

6. Stressing the importance of attendance - “the group killer” 

There is one thing that I see disrupting groups more than anything else, attendance. 

Committing to group is a big deal. It becomes very difficult for other men to take the commitment seriously if someone else is breaking agreements consistently. This most frequently happens with unexcused absences.

It is VITAL that people be called out on broken agreements and held accountable. Two unexcused absences means you are technically removed from group and need to be voted back in.

If no one in group is willing to hold others accountable for your agreements, the foundation of your group will likely dissolve, or you’ll spend way to much time dealing with group administration and dynamics, which can be very annoying and time consuming. 

There is tranquility in being a bit militant here. Call people out with love. 

As my friend John O’ Connor says “you have to be willing to risk the group, to keep the group.”

7. Fine tracker 

You will want to create a Google spreadsheet that tracks weekly fines. Whoever your group lead is that week is responsible for adding fines into the tracker. Use your fines to hire guest speakers/facilitators and for your annual retreat (if you have one).

Fines include:

• not getting your video in for on an off week check-in

• Unexcused absence 

• Late to a meeting  

I see groups charge anywhere from $25-$100 for these fines to deter bad behavior. 

8. Looping in spouses and romantic partners

Two hours, once a week can be a lot of time away from your partner. Especially if they feel like you can’t talk about what you’re doing. 

It is important to clarify that while you can’t share what other men are talking about, you can AND SHOULD talk about what you are processing. 

As things come up for you, I find that is best to share your more fully formed process with your partner so they feel included in your work and connected to the value and purpose it has in your life. 

9. “Say the thing you don’t want to say” 

This is one of the most powerful prompts to create intimacy and real connection in your group. I always encourage men to use this space to share the thing they are scared to say. If you can’t say the hard thing in a group of men who are committed to confidentiality and supporting you, what hope do you have to work through it outside of group? 

If you can get your men to stand for this statement and embrace it right away, the value of your group will make itself abundantly clear very quickly. 

Prompt your first meetings with questions like “what do you hide from other men” “if I really knew you, I’d know that…” “what is the thing you don’t want us to know about you?”

Show your group that this is the space where all of them is welcome and they will do whatever it takes to keep it going. 

10. “Not here to compete”

One of the things I have learned from launching many men’s groups is that there is frequently a sub-text of competition when a group of guys get together, even amongst friends. 

The mind unconsciously stacks us up against everyone else… who is more successful, more fit, more liked, funnier. The list goes on. 

When you launch your group, call this out directly and remind the guys that “this is not a space to compete.” 

When I am leading a session for a new group, I will literally have every man go around and say the words out loud “I’m not here to compete.”

—

Do you see anything missing from this guide? 

Anything you’d like further clarification on?

Let me know in the comments!

I intend for this guide to evolve over time as I learn/remember best practices and hear from readers and other practitioners.

If this was helpful for you, please consider sharing it with your audience or friends who might be able to benefit from it. 

One of the reasons I am so passionate about men’s groups (and women’s groups) is because it is an accessible form of personal development. Starting or participating in a group is something anyone can do regardless of their financial status.

Whether men are struggling to find purpose, looking to take their life to the next level or hoping to connect more deeply witjh good men…group is for everybody and anybody.

Thanks for reading.

P.s. if you read this and thought…”what about women’s group?” I’ve got ya. I would highly encourage you to check out my friends work over at Globalsisterhood.com. They train women to hold process circles like this and are doing great work.