How to practice the “The Work” by Byron Katie - 4 questions to transform our thoughts and lives for the better.
We don’t control our thoughts, but we can control our response to them. A practical guide to the life-changing framework I use with EVERY coaching client.
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So much of my work with leaders is helping them to replace reactivity with a conscious response. When we know how to respond, it's actually quite simple to navigate difficult conversations and create thriving teams.
The first step in the 5-Step Relational Leadership framework is what we call Context. The prompts we ask ourselves is “What am I feeling and thinking about this situation? How am I approaching it?”
I learned this distinction from my mentor, Diana Chapman, who started The Conscious Leadership Group.
Context invites us to consider how we are having, or approaching conversation, which is largely driven by how we are thinking about the issue or challenge we are facing.
On the other hand, content refers to what was literally said and done. See below for an example…
Example
Content: My co-founder showed up late to our weekly standup again. She apologized to the team and the meeting started 10 minutes late.
Context: Feeling; upset and frustrated. Thoughts; She doesn’t respect me and our agreements. She is never going to be on time for our meetings. She is disorganized and setting a bad example for the team.
Example 2…
Content: My husband picked up his phone at the dinner table.
Context: Feeling; sad and angry. Thoughts; He is always distracted. He is never going to give me the presence that I want.
If we want to master difficult conversations and overcome counterproductive reactivity in our relationships, we must be able to address our context before we address content.
Counter to our instincts, most of the reactivity (tension, anxiety, resistance) we experience in our lives stems from our context about the issues, not the content of what is being said or done.
In other words, most of the challenging emotions and drama we experience in our lives are not because of what is happening (content), it is because of our thoughts and what we make them mean (context).
More often than not, we are the ones responsible for our suffering. Our context is what puts us into a victim mindset that wants to blame and shame others, instead of taking responsibility for our lives and the quality of our response.
When we identify context and integrate it consciously, we transform our ability to communicate clearly, resolve challenges and move forward.
When we know how to integrate our context consciously, we reconnect with reality, our power to influence and are more capable of inspiring others to action.
We feel that life is happening for us, not to us.
The most helpful framework to do this is simple and life-changing, it is called “The Work” by Byron Katie.
Dealing with “stories” and why this matters…
Our minds are hardwired to prioritize one thing more than anything else, survival.
Our mind wants to keep us safe. To achieve this, our mind will often trigger thoughts, or “stories” of worry and fear to help us to identify potential problems and danger. Our mind wants to alert us of these danger scenarios and outcomes so that we can avoid them.
Example…
What happened…my cofounder showed up late to our weekly standup again. She apologized to the team and the meeting started 10-minutes late.
The Story/Thought - She doesn’t respect me and our agreements. She is disorganized and this is bad for team morale.
Example 2…
What happened - My husband picked up his phone at the dinner table.
The Story/Thought - He doesn’t listen to me. He is never going to give me the presence that I need.
In both of these cases, the mind wants to make hyperbolic assessments and alert us to a problem. i.e. “He never listens to me, she doesn’t respect me.” The mind thinks that this alert system will spring us into action so we can fix the problem.
And this is where things typically go off the rails…
While the unconscious mind has good intentions, the behaviors and emotions these thoughts trigger are unsettling and counter-productive.
Sometimes, we share our subjective judgment and criticism with the other person in real time “i.e. “you’re never present with me!” As we have all experienced, this is a great way to trigger defensiveness and fruitless arguments.
Or, we will get caught up in something called the cognitive-emotive loop. I'll often refer to it as the “Doom Spiral.” We have a story/thought (i.e. “She doesn’t respect me”) that increases a challenging emotion (Frustration), which then reinforces the challenging thought (“She obviously doesn’t respect me”)…and around we go. Stuck in an internal cycle of increasing anxiety and reactivity.
Fortunately, The Work was formulated to interrupt these troubling thoughts and stories when they inevitably creep in.
What is "The Work"?
The Work by Byron Katie is a powerful method of inquiry that teaches us to identify and question the thoughts that cause suffering. It's a way to understand what's troubling us, and to change the thinking that's keeping us stuck.
Step 1: Identify the Thought/Story
Write down a stressful thought, such as "He doesn't listen to me" or "She doesn’t respect me and our agreements." Be specific and focus on thoughts that reinforce negative emotions.
Step 2: Ask the Four Questions
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Example with “he doesn’t listen to me” as the thought.
Yes. (The mind will often try to convince us that this thought is true, when it is just our perspective.)
No.
I feel sad, frustrated and resentful of him. I shut down and want to run away from him.
I would be more present, more connected to him.
Step 3: Turn the Thought Around Find the opposites of your original thought. For example, if our original thought was "He doesn't listen to me," the turnarounds might be "He does listen to me.” After you have the answer, find at least three objective and specific examples of how it is true in your life.
“What to do after we do The Work?”
When we integrate our stories with The Work, we address our context, return to presence, and can choose our response. The next four steps of the RL framework were developed to do just that; intentionality, curiosity, authenticity, now.
I - How do I want to be?
C - What do I want to know?
A - What is real for me (thoughts, feelings, needs and desires with objectivity)
N - How can I be more present in the here and now?
When we practice The Work, we often feel a reduction in anxiety and peace without doing anything. Oftentimes, my clients will realize that there actually isn’t a problem that requires action, the issue is truly all in their head.
How to incorporate The Work into your daily routine:
Start Your Day with Inquiry. Begin your day by identifying any stressful thoughts you have. Use The Work to question these thoughts and clear your mind for a productive day.
Use It in Real-Time: Whenever you feel a negative emotion arising, take a moment to identify any troublesome thoughts attached to it. Apply The Work’s questions to shift your perspective and come back to presence.
Deeper reflection: If you are starting this for the first time, set aside a chunk of time (or, do this exercise on the social identity) to reflect on recurring thoughts and limiting beliefs that you have held for sometime. Use The Work to address these deeper issues to trigger deep change.
The Work is life changing
We don’t control our thoughts, but we can control our response to them.
The Work facilitates a transformation in how we relate to ourselves, others and reality itself.
If we want to cultivate peace in our lives and relationships, no amount of strategy, effort, and even action can overcome the doom spiral.
The next time you find yourself feeling tense, anxious, or resistant, ask yourself the four questions. Challenge your thoughts, explore the turnarounds, and respond consciously.
When we integrate The Work into our life, we break free from destructive patterns and foster a deeper connection with ourselves and those around us.
It has changed my life for the better and I believe if you commit to asking these questions consistently, it will do the same for you.