“Break the Cycle and Carry Forward" - A 3-part exercise to overcome negative patterns.

A simple, three-part exercise that will help you to understand and overcome the negative patterns that are holding you back.

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The Hoffman Process is one of the most storied personal development programs in the world and one of the most impactful I have taken part in. It centers around a key concept that is crucial for breaking free from destructive patterns — “Negative Love.” 

From the Hoffman website - “The Negative Love Syndrome is the adoption of the negative behaviors, moods, attitudes and admonitions (overt and silent) of our parents to secure their love.”

Negative love is the concept that, when we are young, our primary mechanism for receiving and obtaining the love of our parents is essentially mirroring them. So, whoever they are and whatever behaviors they express, for better or worse, we will mirror those behaviors and try to be like them.

Our under-developed minds equate being loved with survival and we naturally assume that we are more likely to be loved if we are like our parents.

These patterns are adopted unconsciously and continue to influence our lives well into adulthood under the radar. Whether these behaviors are positive or destructive, we imitate them because we unconsciously link them to being loved and ultimately, surviving.

So many people end up feeling stuck. Knowing they want to change and how to change… But failing to put the pieces into action that creates a real shift. The deep work of Negative Love is an important piece of this puzzle. 

Whether you are a soon-to-be parent and want to consciously raise your child, or you’re on a personal growth path and want to liberate yourself from unconscious patterns that hold you back, this is an exercise that can help you do that.

Break the cycle and carry forward exercise

List 1: Destructive / negative behaviors:

Start by creating two separate lists for Mom and Dad (or your primary attachment figures).

Start by writing down every negative trait, characteristic, or behavior you experienced in both your mother and father. This is not about bashing them or assigning blame for these behaviors, it is simply about raising your awareness. Becoming aware of these patterns is the first step in shifting them. 

Examples of destructive behaviors could be: people pleasing, isolationism, addiction, or suppressing emotions. 

List 2: How do they live on in me?

The next step involves looking within to identify any of these negative behaviors that also live in you. This step requires honesty and vulnerability, remembering that radical self-awareness is the precursor for meaningful change.

Don’t qualify if it is only in you a little bit, if you see it in you even a little bit, take ownership and add it to your list.

List 3: What do I choose to carry forward? 

This part of the exercise is focused on the positive aspects of your parents.

Make a list for each parent of the values, traits you and behaviors that you appreciated, or that were beneficial to them and you - the ones that you perceived as healthy and generative.

Be exhaustive and generous with this list. 

Examples of positive behaviors could be: kindness, hard work, community-builder, health consciousness etc. 

What to do after you have created your lists 

The first two lists that you create are for you, for your own awareness and understanding of self. Use these as a reflection exercise and get curious about how these behaviors disconnect you from your best life and the relationships that matter most to you.

Once we have identified these behaviors, we can commit to our work of breaking the cycle of these patterns, and introducing new ones in their place. 

List 3 will be full of the things that you appreciate most about your parents, the aspects of them that you consciously choose to carry forward. I typically encourage my clients to share this list as a message with their parents. 

You can open your note with this message, “I was doing an exercise that encouraged me to think about all of the qualities that I most admire and appreciate about my parents and wanted to share it with you.” 

Regardless of the state of your relationships and issues that may be unresolved, there is never a good reason to keep our appreciation inside. If there is an unresolved issue, ask yourself if your parents would be more likely or less likely to hear you after knowing all the reasons that you appreciate them? 

At my last company Tribute, we had a mantra that we shared with each of our users. “If you have anything nice to say, say it all.”

We don't know how much time we have left with our parents, and with the time that we do have, we should make a point to share appreciation if we have any of it. Even if we fear the other person isn’t able to reciprocate. 

Closing thoughts - why this matters

Lineage and legacy are powerful concepts to play with. 

Identity is the most powerful force for creating new habits and changing our behavior. Our identity is our sense of self and who we are. This concept is beautifully distilled by James Clear in his book, Atomic Habits. (here is a summary)

Lineage asks the question - how am I the product of everyone who came before me in my family? 

When we think about the negative behaviors we experienced in our parents, it’s usually not hard to see how those patterns existed in their parents as well. As we look back through our line within the context of “Negative Love,” it often becomes easier to find empathy for our parents and why they are the way that they are. 

We don’t need to condone, or forget the negative behaviors that have hurt and hindered us, but we can have compassion for how they are simply the product of their parents, much like we are. 

In finding compassion for our parents, it becomes easier to find compassion for ourselves. It becomes easier to find love for ourselves.

Legacy asks the questions - What will I be known and remembered for? 

Imagine the people in your line as far back as you can. Grandparents, great grandparents and beyond. Now, imagine that your lineage will extend forward just as far, or ever further.

Just like your identity was molded by your parents, and their parents before them… The people that come next will be a product of who you are now.

We each have a unique opportunity to decide which behaviors we choose to break the cycle of and which we choose to carry forward and pass on to the next generation. For me, there is a great sense of purpose in this, a connectivity that motivates me to be the best version of myself, not just for me, but for those who are yet to come.