The Check In - A 6-question, 15-minute Weekly Ritual for Lasting Love

The Weekly Check in is a dedicated time to reflect on the state of our relationship, celebrate successes, address concerns, and reaffirm our commitment to each other.

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Stephen Covey famously said that “we are not what we do, we are what we do consistently.” 

At work, I have my weekly water cooler catchup with employees at the end of each week. We talk about what we’re grateful for, what went right, what we’re looking forward to and address any important issues that need to be cleared. This is how I ensure that me and my team are connected as people and coworkers. Making time for these types of important conversations is how I build culture. On top of that, its a time to downshift from the work-week and have some fun with people I enjoy.

Similarly, this is why I am such a fan of the Weekly Check-In. I believe it is one of the simplest and most effective things we can do to improve our romantic partnership.

The Weekly Check-in is a dedicated time to reflect on the state of our relationship, celebrate successes, address concerns, and reaffirm our commitment to each other.

By dedicating a small amount of time each week (15-minutes), I feel closer to my partner Melissa, go deeper and proactively create the type of relationship that I’m excited to be in. I hope this guide helps you to do the same. 

So, what exactly does a weekly check-in look like? While your check-in can be personalized to fit your relationship, here are some helpful prompts to get you started. I encourage you to add/remove prompts and make it your own

Scheduling

Start with a 15-minute time slot. I like to start with a smaller time slot to begin with so we absolutely know we can make the time. If we need more time, change the ritual as needed.

I find that it is helpful to schedule your check in at the same time each week. Say, 15-minutes at 6pm on Sunday or during your weekly date night if you have something like that. 

If you and your partner identify as people who are “busy”, or who have a lot going on, there is a deep comfort in knowing that there is baked in time for connection during the week. Relational leaders schedule their priorities, more than prioritizing their schedule.

The 6-question Check in

1. Start with some gratitude for life - “What are three things I’m grateful for in my life right now?”

2. Share some love for each other - “What are three things I appreciated about you this week?”

3. Share some love for the relationship - “What went well in the relationship last week?” 

4. Clear any tension, anxiety and resistance - “Is there anything you're holding onto that you need to clear or be heard on?” 

5. Offer support - “How can I support you and make you feel loved next week?”

6. Look ahead in gratitude -  “What are three things you are looking forward to next week?” 

And some additional context about why each question is important and how to answer them.

1. Start with some gratitude for life - “What are three things I’m grateful for in my life right now?”

When we are grateful for things, there are more of those things. 

Start your check-in by sharing three things that you are grateful for in your life right now. People, experiences, feelings, stuff. Leave your partner out of this round, they are up next.

There is something powerful about speaking in threes, it makes it more likely that the mind will retain the information that is shared. This is a phenomenon called “the rule of three.”

2. Share some love for each other - “What are three things I appreciated about you this week?”

Take turns sharing three things about your partner, or specific things they did in the past week that you truly appreciated. Whether it's a small act of kindness or a significant contribution, acknowledging these actions reinforces the positive aspects of our relationship and amplifies our love for a partner. We can think of…

• Acts of service

• Kind words

• Growth

• Beauty 

Robert Chialdini, the author of seminal communication strategy book “Influence,” says that “it is not our statement of affection that impacts the recipient, it is our explanation of it.” If we want our partners to feel the love we have for them, it is helpful to tell them about the specific things they did that reminded us how much we love them. At Tribute, we have called this the practice of “I love you…BECAUSE.”

This doesn’t make our love conditional, it just shows our partners the specific things they’ve done that we love and appreciate them for. It helps them to feel our love.

3. Share some love for the relationship - “What went well in the relationship last week?” 

Next, celebrate what's going well in the relationship. Celebrate the successes and happy moments in the relationship from the past week. Whether it's a fun date night or a heartfelt conversation, take time to acknowledge the positives. 

Reflect on moments of teamwork, communication, and growth that happened during the past week. By acknowledging these successes together, we strengthen our commitment and find motivation to keep investing in the relationship.

If you have set “relationship core values” (highly recommended) this is a great place to reference the actions that embodied and expressed these values throughout the week. 

4. Clear any tension, anxiety and resistance - “Is there anything you're holding onto that you need to clear or be heard on?” 

Reactivity (tension, anxiety, resistance) is bound to pop up in every relationship, how we handle it makes all the difference. When handled with care, these tender shares can be a force for strengthening our bond, creating deeper intimacy and showing our partner that all of them is safe with us. 

On the flip side, allowing reactivity to ruminate unaddressed is how resentment forms. Resentment is the most toxic force in relationships. This prompt helps us to embrace potential conflict and create the type of relationship where we can talk about challenging things with love and compassion.

When it comes to these types of courageous conversations, I highly suggest that both parties communicate using “Evolved Non-violent Communication.” This simply means that we aim to speak objectively, own our stories and avoid subjective judgments of our partner. Here is a helpful guide I created on ENVC. 

There is also an important difference between sharing a “clear” and “wanting to be heard.”

Wanting to be heard means that something happened, it impacted us in a negative or unpleasant way and we’d like to share it so that our partner can gain perspective into our experience. The intention is to be heard, we’re not asking our partner to fix anything. The goal here is about creating shared understanding.

A “clear” is a share that does have a deeper request or purpose behind it. That could be that we are simply seeking an apology or ownership. It could be that we felt an agreement was transgressed and we want our partner to change their behavior in some way moving forward. We may need to reassess our agreements or create a new one. Here is a helpful guide I created for the clearing model. 

If we are the one sharing, it is helpful to clarify what we are doing upfront so our partner knows how to listen and support us. 

5. Offer support - “How can I support you and make you feel loved next week??

Wrap up your conversation by discussing how you can support each other in the upcoming week. 

Start off with any important logistics or practical support you need…

• I really want you to be at this work event on Saturday

• I could really use some help with the kids on Tuesday night 

In addition to the logistics, try to share something your partner can do to make you feel more loved and connected. This is a really important one. I see a lot of people who get frustrated with their partner for not giving them what they aren’t even asking for.

A novel concept, make it easier for your partner to love you the way you’d like them to… by telling them. Sharing our wants and desires proactively is an act of service for long term relationships and keeping intimacy alive. 

6. Look ahead in gratitude -  “What are three things you are looking forward to next week?” 

We rarely think of gratitude as something that is future facing, we typically reserve it for experiences in the past or things in the present. When we are grateful for the things that are coming up, we feel better because of that awareness

Share three things that you are looking forward to as a way to build momentum and excitement for the week ahead together.

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The weekly checkin creates space for open communication, collaborative problem-solving, and deeply supporting each other. By addressing issues early on, we prevent them from escalating and strengthen feelings of appreciation and connection.

The weekly check in is one of the simplest things we can do to nurture connection and promote growth in our relationship. By making it a regular practice, we strengthen our bond, gain a deeper understanding of each other, and remind ourselves why we are committed to the relationship in the first place. 

In the end, a great relationship is not about extravagant gestures (although, they sure can be fun), but about the intentional, consistent acts of love and connection.

Great relationships are built by what we do consistently.

Me and Mel.