How to share the hard thing you're feeling and not sharing: The "Clearing" Protocol
Resentment is one of the most toxic forces in any relationship, here is a clear, 5-step process to share your resentment as constructive feedback that improves the quality of your connection.
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Do you currently harbor resentment toward someone in your life—a coworker, friend, or family member?
Is there a relationship where you've held back your feelings, causing you to withdraw or hide the truth?
Have you refrained from disclosing your honest thoughts because you fear making matters worse?
This matters. When we tell ourselves that we can’t share honestly with the people and colleagues that we care about and depend on, resentment is almost certain to appear.
Resentment is that sense of being treated unfairly, often accompanied by the belief that the wrong done to us hasn't been adequately acknowledged or acknowledged at all. It needn't be a major issue; even minor incidents that negatively affected us and remained unresolved, or acknowledged can foster resentment. While experiencing resentment is natural, holding onto it for extended periods is unproductive and toxic.
What is a Clearing Conversation? A "clearing conversation" aims to create a safe space for you and the other person to express any withheld emotions so you can create a state of clarity and understanding in the relationship. Relational Leaders take full responsibility for the quality of their relationships, which includes addressing resentment, even when it's challenging.
The Toxicity of Resentment in Relationships and Teams: I often challenge clients to recognize that holding onto resentment is detrimental to relationships and teams. As the saying goes, "resentment is a poison you drink yourself." There are three critical reasons why resentment is so toxic:
Resentment often leads to contempt, as per the Gottman Institute, a leading authority on relationship therapy. Contempt is the most potent relationship-killer in personal and professional relationships. Sustaining a relationship with contempt present is unlikely.
Resentment can lead to gossip. When we don't express our feelings directly, we often confide in others, eroding trust and reputation. Speaking negatively about someone behind their back damages trust and integrity.
Withholding leads to withdrawal. Failing to share the whole truth leads to a belief that we cannot be our true selves around that person. This performance mode leads to withdrawal and negatively impacts the relationship.
Overcoming Resentment with the Clearing Protocol: To eliminate resentment from your life, establish a clear process for addressing challenging conversations. This is where "The Clearing Protocol" comes in.
In a clearing:
Welcome any perceived transgressions, withholds, and resentment into the space.
Use this exercise not only to address past grievances but also to repair any real-time ruptures.
Examples of things you might need to clear include past resentments, unaddressed issues, or unexpressed emotions.
A 5-Part Framework for Clearing:
Start with appreciation: Begin by expressing your appreciation for the person and your relationship. State your intention to foster a candid, honest relationship.
“I wanted to share something with you. It’s a harder thing to share but I want to create a relationship where we can be totally honest with each other. I appreciate you for x and y and value our relationship for z.”
Share your feelings: Clearly state what you've been feeling and why. Be objective and avoid judgment or criticism. You can refer to my introduction to Constructive Communication to do this effectively.
“I’ve been feeling x, because y… and I’d appreciate it if you could Z.”
Address assumptions: Share any assumptions or stories you've created about how the person will respond, and work through them.
“I haven’t been sharing because I have a story you would x,y or z. Rather than assume, I wanted to check in and let you respond for yourself.”
Invite them to share: Create space for the other person to express anything they've been holding onto, emphasizing that your authenticity can encourage honesty.
“If there is anything you have been holding onto and not sharing, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here to listen and hear you out too.”
Suggest a follow-up: Offer to discuss the matter further in person or via a call when it's convenient for them. Giving them time to respond thoughtfully reduces defensiveness.
“I wanted to share this in a note so that you have time to think about it and respond when you’re ready. If you’re open to it, I’d love to connect in-person, or on a call when it works for you.”
**Important Note: In Relational Leadership, integrity involves keeping agreements and living by your values. If you've breached an agreement or acted out of integrity, take ownership and apologize. Apologizing doesn't imply being "wrong" or "bad"; it demonstrates a willingness to take responsibility. The goal is not perfection but a commitment to owning our part and maintaining integrity, which, in turn, influences those around us.
This is Relational Leadership in action—nurturing trust, authenticity, and honest communication in your relationships.