The Shift – A simple technique to stop reacting, start responding and take full ownership of our lives
Mastering the skill of intentionality with The Drama Triangle, Empowerment Dynamic (TED) and “Above the line, below the line” from Conscious Leadership.
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I believe this one of the most valuable questions we can ask ourselves. It has the power to fundamentally transform the way we lead.
The first skill of Relational Leadership is Intentionality. I define intentionality as taking action with purpose.
To practice this skill, we start by asking ourselves the question, “how do I want to be, or respond in this moment?” And then, we let that awareness guide our actions so they are aligned with our values and any agreements we’ve made.
So much of intentionality is our ability to respond consciously to challenging events, thoughts and people, rather than react unconsciously.
As we hone our intentionality, we naturally cultivate the mindset that no matter what life throws at us, we can handle it, respond constructively and be the solution.
This is one of the most powerful skills we can cultivate to lead powerfully and become the best version of ourselves. It transforms how we look at the world, our relationships and the power we have to impact others positively.
In our lives and especially relationships, it’s easy to fall into patterns of reactivity where we take action from a disempowered mindset. We tell ourselves that we’re stuck, powerless, or controlled by external circumstances. We find ourselves blaming others, waiting for someone else to do something, or constantly aiming to be right. These behaviors keep us from taking full responsibility for our own lives, success and growth.
How to stop reacting and start responding
I am very fortunate to be mentored by one of the best Leadership coaches on the planet, Diana Chapman, Founder of the Conscious Leadership Group.
Diana and CLG created an incredibly simple and life-changing technique that is one of the most effective ways to transcend reactivity and move towards intentional response.
It’s the quickest way to decipher whether we are responding or reacting to the challenges we face.
“Are you above the line or below the line?”
Below the Line
When we operate "below the line," we’re trapped in reactive, disempowered thinking. We are typically operating from a place of threat, or worrying that something negative is going to happen. This can happen consciously, or more frequently, unconsciously.
If we are below the line, it means we’re stuck, avoiding responsibility and staying locked in unproductive behaviors. When we are below the line, we tend to point fingers, avoid challenges, and give up our personal power.
Above the Line
When we are operating "above the line," we are typically operating from a place of trust and presence. Above the line, we feel empowered and embrace proactive behaviors that are healthier, oriented towards growth and grounded in curiosity
When we are below the line, we are reacting to life.
The first step towards responding intentionally is simply acknowledging when we are below the line and in a state of reactivity.
Once we have welcomed this piece of awareness, there are two helpful tools to help us identify and integrate our reactivity.
The Drama Triangle and Empowerment Dynamic
I first learned about the Drama Triangle through the 15 commitments of Conscious Leadership. That said, the concept was originally introduced in the 1960s by psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman
The Drama Triangle is a powerful model for understanding how we engage in conflict and dysfunction in our relationships. Karpman revealed the unproductive roles people slip into when dealing with problems, showing that we tend to adopt one of three roles—roles that align with our desires, insecurities, or need for control. What’s more, we can effortlessly shift between these roles, depending on what serves us in the moment—whether it’s to gain power, justify our actions, or simply feel better about ourselves.
The triangle consists of three key roles: the Victim, the Persecutor/Villain, and the Rescuer/Hero. These roles create a toxic loop that perpetuates dysfunction, conflict, and disempowerment in relationships. Let's break down each of the roles:
The Victim: The Victim feels powerless, overwhelmed, and believes that life happens to them. They avoid taking responsibility for their actions or circumstances and often seek sympathy or rescue. The Victim's mantra is, "Poor me," and they remain stuck in a state of helplessness, expecting others to fix their problems.
The Persecutor/Villain: The Persecutor plays the role of the criticizer and blamer. They often point fingers, berating the Victim or others in a situation, without offering solutions. Persecutors hold others responsible for problems and maintain control through criticism, leaving little room for productive dialogue or resolution. Their attitude says, "It's your fault."
The Rescuer/Hero: The Rescuer intervenes to "save" the Victim, often without being asked. Although their intentions may seem noble, the Rescuer perpetuates the Victim's helplessness by stepping in to solve their problems, rather than empowering the Victim to handle things themselves. The Rescuer's hidden motive is to feel needed, but they ultimately prevent real growth or independence.
Like Fritz Perls, the Founder of Gestalt Therapy famously said, “with awareness, comes choice.”
These archetypes help us to identify the cycle of reactivity that is inhibiting our ability to respond. Once we are clear on how we are disempowering ourself, we can start to shift our attention on how we would like to respond.
How do I want to respond? The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)
When we put our attention onto our intention, we are more likely to create the experience and outcomes we want. It is not enough to simply identify our reactivity, we have to show ourselves an alternative way of being that is more aligned and constructive.
David Emerald's Empowerment Dynamic (TED) offers a practical pathway to break free from the Drama Triangle. TED helps us to transform the negative roles into healthier, more productive ones:
Creator: Replacing the Victim, the Creator takes full responsibility for their life, focusing on solutions instead of problems. They view challenges as opportunities for growth, choosing action over helplessness. Creators ask, "What do I want to create?" and focus on the future they want to build, taking ownership of their power to shape their experiences.
Challenger: In contrast to the Persecutor, the Challenger confronts problems and people directly but in a supportive way. They push others to grow by providing constructive feedback and speaking authentically and objectively. Rather than blaming, Challengers ask, "What will you do differently next time?" and challenge others to rise to the challenge without creating shame.
Coach: The Coach guides the Creator in finding their own solutions, offering support and empowering them to take charge. Instead of rescuing, Coaches ask, "How can I support you in solving this?" They trust the Creator to handle their own challenges, fostering independence and personal growth.
Breaking reactive patterns and cultivating intentionality with The Drama Triangle (TDT) and The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)
In both the Drama Triangle and The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), there is a clear distinction between behaviors that keep us stuck in reactivity (below the line) and behaviors that correspond with an intentional response (above the line).
The journey from reactivity (Drama Triangle) towards an intentional response (Empowerment Dynamic) requires a mindset shift:
From Victim to Creator: Shifting from seeing yourself as powerless to recognizing your ability to shape your future.
From Persecutor to Challenger: Moving from blame and control to encouraging growth and constructive feedback.
From Rescuer to Coach: Transitioning from solving others' problems to guiding and empowering them to take action themselves.
When we choose to respond from an empowered place, we create healthier relationships and more meaningful interactions. This focus on accountability, growth, and empowerment helps us move out of the reactive, disempowering behaviors of the Drama Triangle and into a space of possibility and positive action.
Shifting out of reactivity and towards an intentional response is not always easy, but it is deeply rewarding. The first step is recognizing when we’re operating from a disempowering role - whether as a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer.
Awareness is the key to change. Once we identify these patterns, we can choose to adopt the more empowering roles of Creator, Challenger, or Coach.
For example, if you notice you’re feeling like a Victim in a situation, ask yourself what actions you can take to become a Creator. What solutions are available to you?
Similarly, if you’re inclined to play the Persecutor, take a step back and consider how you can challenge others constructively.
If we tend to fall into the Rescuer role, resist the urge to "fix" things for others and instead offer guidance that empowers them to take responsibility.
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The intentional response moves us into the mindset of taking full responsibility for our lives and relationships.
When we learn to respond, we step out of reactive, destructive patterns into behaviors that foster growth, connection, and empowerment.
Intentionality helps us to own the power we have to create change, influence others and have a positive impact.
This practice isn’t just about changing how we interact with others — it’s about transforming how we see ourselves and the world around us, reclaiming our personal power, and ability to build the life and relationships we desire.
So, next time you find yourself in a state of tension, anxiety or resistance…
Ask yourself, am I reacting or responding right now?
We don’t control, our first thought, but we can influence what comes after it.
The choice is ours.