The A.B.C. guide to Conscious Uncoupling
Learn how to use appreciation, boundaries and clearing resentment to create a healthy breakup that serves all involved.
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Over the past couple of weeks, a few friends friends asked me for advice on how to navigate a “conscious uncoupling,” which is essentially just spiritual speak for a healthy breakup. Rather than respond individually, I thought I would take a bit more time to share some of my favorite insight on the subject.
I was very public with my divorce from my ex-wife Miki a couple of years ago. Throughout the process, I shared many of the rituals and techniques that we deployed to build our loving co-parenting dynamic. Of all the things I’ve created in my life, a thriving family with my new partner Melissa, my ex-wife Miki and our son is Hiro is certainly at the top of the list.
Whether you are getting divorced, or breaking up with a short-term partner, conscious uncoupling is a radical shift in how we navigate the end of relationships. Instead of falling into the all-too-familiar traps of bitterness, blame, or unresolved tension, conscious uncoupling invites us to approach the process with grace, self-awareness, and compassion—for ourselves and our former partner.
It’s about rewriting the narrative of separation, transforming it into an opportunity for healing, growth, and even gratitude.
The A.B.C’s of conscious uncoupling…
A - Appreciation
B - Boundaries (and objective agreements)
C - Clearing resentment
These ABC’s serve as the foundation of a transition that is more peaceful and intentional, while also helping both people to move forward without the weight of unexpressed emotions.
It’s not about erasing the past or pretending everything was perfect; it’s about honoring the relationship for what it was, releasing the emotional baggage that could hold you back, and setting the stage for healthy agreements moving forward.
This process is about creating space for healing and moving forward in a way that respects both parties. It’s about taking responsibility, being vulnerable, and ultimately, finding a way to part that leaves both people feeling seen, heard, and respected.
1. Appreciation
Taking the time to explicitly share appreciation for your previous partner is key. It’s best to set up a little ceremony, or dinner where they can fully receive everything you want to share, such as:
- Their best qualities
- How they have impacted you
- What you’ve learned from them
- Your favorite memories
- How they have grown while you were together
If you can’t do this in person, create a video so they can keep it for posterity.
If you are coming out of a long term relationship or marriage and want to go above and beyond, consider creating something tangible, like a framed photo, a photo album, or a gift from [Boombox](www.boomboxgifts.com) to honor the time you shared together.
At my last company Tribute, we encouraged people to embrace the mantra “if you have anything nice to say, say it all.” There is no reason to leave the nice things we have to say about others inside of us.
2. Boundaries (and Objective Agreements)
“Unexpressed expectations are resentments in waiting.”
Even though you are not “together” anymore, it’s crucial to make your expectations and needs explicit. We are responsible for speaking authentically to our needs and desires, even if the other person is unavailable to meet them.
When we are making requests or setting new boundaries, it is essential for us to embrace objectivity. An agreement is objective, follows the facts and is provable. An intention is subjective and impossible to evaluate objectively.
Intentions are nice, but they typically don’t help us to get our needs met. If we want to get our needs met, we should always prioritize objective agreements.
Example of an intention - “I want you to be nice to me when we are out with friends.”
Example of the above as an objective request: “I would like you to say hello and hug me when we are out with our friends.” We can objectively evaluate whether this behavior happens or doesn’t.
Here’s a helpful article on how to set "impeccable agreements" with people to ensure your needs are met:
Impeccable Agreements: Tool or Weapon? Your Choice
Consider these questions to identify areas where you may need clear boundaries or agreements moving forward:
- Communication: Are there any boundaries that need to be set around how, when, and how often you communicate?
- Space: Is there a request for space in the immediate aftermath of separation? If so, for how long?
- Social/Romantic Engagements: Are there any people or groups of people you would prefer the other person not engage with socially or romantically?
- Support: Are there any types of support (financial, emotional, etc.) that you still expect from each other?
- Social Interaction: How would you like to interact with each other in social settings moving forward?
If you were married or share children, I found that asking ChatGPT was helpful during my own divorce and while setting up a loving co-parenting dynamic. Ask it what types of questions you should ask your partner based on your unique situation.
3. Clearing Resentment
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” - Nelson Mandela
While it might feel easier to simply go your separate ways without addressing the unspoken hard stuff, it is very likely to come out in more disruptive and time-consuming down the road.
When we embrace conflict with curiosity and compassion, it can be one of the biggest catalysts for healing and reaffirming your connection. Finding the courage to share authentically connects us to our own integrity and makes it easier for others to share as well.
From a grounded place, invite each person to address any hurt or resentment they’re still carrying.
I believe this part is best done through asynchronous sharing at first, with the intention to come together and discuss in person afterward. By this, I mean each person should write down their clears and send them to each other before the meeting, so both people can respond thoughtfully in person.
Here's a guide on how to consciously welcome in these "clears"…
[Resolving Resentment in Your Important Relationships](https://andrewhorn.substack.com/p/resolving-resentment-in-your-important)
Sample questions to consider:
Is there anything this person has done that I would like them to own and/or apologize for?
Is there anything tender you are feeling that you have not shared and want to be heard on?
The key to this process is transcending the “Right & Wrong” trap. This is simply a time for each of you to speak objectively to the things the other person has done that have impacted you negatively. Even if our intentions were pure, this is a time where we welcome in and take ownership for the impact of our actions where it might have hurt someone else.
This is a tender process and I encourage the “less hurt” person to go in with the expectation of helping their partner to be fully heard first. Then, you can share to be fully heard afterwards.
If you need professional support from a coach or therapist (which is common), I’m happy to refer you to someone or potentially even assist myself.
((BONUS IDEA)) - Ceremony
MDMA-assisted couples therapy is a powerful tool for connecting people to the love they share with a romantic partner.
If you’re open to exploring in these realms, there are medically trained and certified therapists through MAPS who can support couples in this way.
Fun fact: MDMA couples therapy was quite common until the 1980s when big pharma lobbied to get MDMA listed as a Schedule I substance (no medical benefit) against the FDA’s recommendation.
With the proper set and setting, this is a powerful relationship tool, and I highly recommend it as a way to part from a place of love.
If you have any ideas that would be helpful to this list, please add them in the comments below. I’d love to see this list grow over time.
p.s. Here’s me, Miki, and Hiro two years after our divorce - it’s possible!
