Social Flow - A 4-question framework that builds true confidence, meaningful conversation, and authentic connection.
Social anxiety is inevitable, how we respond to it is not. Use this simple framework to leverage our authenticity as the most effective tool for building connection.
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My Path to Social Flow
I have spent the last 15 years building companies and experiences that teach people how to communicate and connect more effectively. This is a huge part of my mission and legacy here on earth.
Forbes recently called me the “Dale Carnegie of the digital age” in an article. My teaching has been featured on top podcasts (e.g., Mindvalley, The Art of Charm) and profiled in media outlets like the New Yorker, BigThink and The Today Show. I’ve built award-winning nonprofits and tech companies with millions of users and INC500 inclusion. I’ve delivered global keynotes to thousands of people and led hundreds of CEOs through transformational leadership retreats. Along the way, I've become a trusted advisor for influential entrepreneurs, artists, executives around the country.
Cool, Right? Well, this is probably a good time to tell you a secret.
For the better part of those years, I was fighting through reactivity, filled with social anxiety and saying mean shit to myself, about myself…all the time.
On the surface, I was running a venture backed startup, being referred to as a “thought leader”, and felt like a contributing member of an awesome community of friends. Below the surface, I was struggling.
I had a perpetual knot in my stomach in social situations. I’d get dry mouth during presentations and would often leave public events feeling drained.
Truthfully, my passion for studying this work was driven by a deep lack of self-trust and limiting beliefs about myself. I constantly told myself I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I didn’t trust myself, so I was learning every trick of the trade I could find to make up for my insecurity.
I became convinced I needed to structure myself into a “persona” people would like, validate and be impressed by. While I looked successful on the outside, on the inside, I felt like something was wrong. I was hiding the real me.
Until that fateful day in the back of a moldy classroom in Cleveland.
The First Time I Experienced Social Flow.
Have you ever been in a situation where you simply didn’t know what to say?
Maybe one where you wanted to connect with someone, but you felt they were not that interested in you or available to connect? No fun, right?
Well, one of those moments changed my life...
Shortly after my 30th birthday, I found myself in a slightly moldy, questionably-decorated classroom in the Cleveland suburbs. I had been invited there for a leadership training in something called Gestalt.
The facilitator opened the weekend with an invitation. “Everything you are thinking and feeling is real, valid and deserving of a voice. Speak it. Try to understand the people around you at the deepest level possible. If you have a question, ask it. Be fully open to your experience and the experience of those around you.”
Basically, he was telling us to be completely open and honest with each other. “I paid to be there,” I thought, “So, let’s go for it.”
At our next break, I headed for the coffee station and saw Ashley walking towards me. Ashley was a well-known entrepreneur and the only young-ish person at the event besides me. She was cool. I dug her business and thought, “We should be friends.”
Well, Ashley was having none of it. Anytime I tried to start a conversation, she gave short answers, didn’t ask anything back and showed no interest. I started feeling rejected and insecure.
Then I remembered the directive, “Everything you are thinking and feeling is valid. Say it.”
Before I could second guess myself, I spoke…
“Hey Ashley, I wanted to let you know I love what you’ve built. Also, I've been trying to start conversations with you and haven’t really felt you reciprocating. It’s all good. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to, **awkward pause** Well, I’m going to stop now. If you ever want to chat, let me know. I’m totally up for it.”
I put on a coy smile. Ashley looked back at me, paused, then burst into tears.
“Oh shit, what did I do?” I thought.
The next thing I knew, Ashley opened up like a fire hose.
“I don’t even want to be here. My boyfriend is breaking up with me. I’m fighting with my co-founder. This is the last place I want to be right now. I’m so sorry.
I froze. I immediately realized my insecurity was based on a made-up story about Ashley not wanting to connect with me. In reality, her behavior had nothing to do with me.
“Where else in my life am I doing this?” I thought. The answer was immediately clear — everywhere.
It felt like that moment at the end of Matrix #1, where Neo wakes up and can finally see the true nature of his reality. I could finally see how my insecurity and reactivity were the result of my unconscious stories that had no connection to reality.
When we re-entered the classroom, Ashley shared her hidden struggle with the class and thanked me for being honest. After she shared her experience, several other people in the class opened up about their own resistance to being there. The whole room took a collective breath and you could feel us all landing in the room, feeling closer. She later told me that, without our conversation, she likely would have left the event.
I committed to carrying this radical transparency forward through the weekend. In our closing circle, people I hadn’t even spoken with personally thanked me for how I showed up that week.
I was impacting people positively and communicating clearly without trying. I was impacting and influencing people positively simply being me.
Most importantly…For the first time, I saw my raw truth creating space for others’ truth.
I realized my authenticity was an act of service when I used it intentionally. That is when everything changed for me.
I realized that this was the honest path to feeling confident with people.
That was my first experience of what I now call Social Flow.
After the event, I reflected on this new level of trust I had in myself. I had heard the sage but annoying advice to “ Just be yourself,” but no one ever showed me how to do that.
So this became my goal; to craft a step-by-step framework to be yourself - on purpose.
I’ve come to believe it is the key to communicating and connecting with others - authentically and naturally - wherever you go.
I would discover that flowing instead of forcing has many other benefits and applications.
As a result of using the Framework, my coaching approach shifted. The deeper, more honest discussions were even more rewarding for my clients and me. I felt less pressure, made more money than I ever had, and fell in love with coaching again.
The stress that would fill me before big keynotes was gone. I traded in hours of preparation to go off the cuff and felt connected with audiences like never before.
I sat in my car before a top 100 business podcast, crying tears of joy because the anxiety that I would normally feel had been replaced by genuine excitement.
I changed an entire keynote, in the middle of a presentation to hundreds of entrepreneurs
And this time, the ”outside success” matched what was happening inside.
I liked myself and felt good about how I was showing up around people. No more panic or pit in my stomach. No more tension, anxiety, or self-consciousness. Just a much-welcomed ease.
After years of putting the principles to use, teaching them to clients, and using them to lead people through transformational retreats, the principles became clearer and clearer until one day, I looked at what I was teaching and saw two words shouting at me loud and clear…I CAN.
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Self-confidence is usually defined as believing in or trusting ourselves. It’s thinking, “I can do this. I can walk into a room and people will like and respect me.”
The I.C.A.N. framework turns the abstract concept of “Being yourself” into a tangible practice. It turns our focus away from anxiety inducing external forces and onto our confidence creating intrinsic motivation by asking ourselves four questions.
INTENTIONALITY - “How do I want to be?”
CURIOSITY - “What do I want to know?”
AUTHENTICITY - “What is true for me now?”
NOW - “How can I become more present?”
The framework shows us how our social anxiousness is simply a sign that we are focusing on external factors (R.O.P.) that we don’t control (rejection, outcome, perception). Social Flow makes it easy to focus on the internal motivation that we always control (Intentionality, Curiosity, Authenticity and Now).
Next week, I’ll dive into some helpful tips to answer and integrate the questions most effectively.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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