Ask Everything: A curiosity exercise to understand your parents and create true connection.
A practical exercise to transform your relationship with your parents. If you want to heal the world, consider starting with your family first.
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It’s the one year anniversary of my Father’s passing. I wanted to honor him by sharing the exercise that fundamentally transformed our relationship and helped me to feel like we were in a state of “completion” during his passing. To this day, I consider this experience to be one of the most important things I’ve done for my family and growth as a leader.
Side note: I was able to do the same exercise with my mother and continue to reap the benefits of increased closeness and transparency with her to this day. I am going to focus on my experience with my father so you can see exactly how this process might go if you were to do it with one of your parents.
I hope our story and the steps I outline below can be useful to you on your own path. For anyone who seeks self-understanding and growth, I believe this exercise of building understanding with our parents is one of the most helpful things we can do; for ourselves and also for our families.
For ourselves - Our parents are typically the biggest imprint on our personality and “who we are” than any other force. The development of our self-identity during our formative years, before we are consciously aware of this influence, can not be understated. To answer the question “who am I?” it helps to know who our parents are.
For our parents - One of the greatest gifts we can give our parents, especially those who are in old age, is simply helping them to feel known. Ensuring that their story can be told so that their legacy and wisdom may live on for future generations.
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On the morning of April 1st, 2023, I woke up in my chilly bed and stared at the ceiling. Fresh snow dotted the pine trees outside. A strange stillness crept through my body that surprised me. The stillness was surprising because the day before, I had laid my Father, Leslie John Horn to rest at Elmendorf Air Force Cemetery in Anchorage Alaska.
As I laid in my bed, I expected to feel grief, or sadness…not gratitude. But alas, that’s what filled me.
What did I have to be grateful for? It’s clear to me now that this was the first moment I realized that my relationship with my father was what I now call “complete.”
What do I mean by complete? It means that I had asked him all of the questions that I wanted to ask. I had shared all of the appreciation that I wanted to share for him. I had invited him to take ownership for the harm he had caused others. While I could sense sadness for him being gone, I recognized that I was able to say goodbye to my dad with nothing left inside of me. This realization led to an immense sensation of pride and gratitude that we were able to have these courageous conversations and be radically honest with one another.
To this day, I will tell you that this is one of my proudest accomplishments. I believe that how I showed up in my relationship with my father, has created space for the type of intimacy, honesty and depth of connection that is possible for me and my son Hiro. It was an example of the type of Relational Leadership I seek to amplify in the world.
I’ll be honest and tell you it did not happen overnight, and it was not easy. It took every ounce of intentional communication, compassion and courage in me to reach this point.
To me, that is the beauty of showing up full for our important relationships. To create harmony in our important relationships, we will need to become the best version of ourselves. We can only fully actualize the self, when we prioritize something greater than the self, and a relationship is precisely that.
It all started with a fairly harsh question…
Part 2: “You don’t know your fucking parents, do you?”
My coach and Mentor Lauren Zander Was not one for sugar-coating things, she called it like she saw it. We were talking about finances and my beliefs in this arena. She started to ask me some questions about my parents, their current financial status and how they managed finances while I was growing up. After a few questions, she paused and let it rip, “you don't know your f****** parents do you?”
When she said it, I stopped in my tracks for a moment and immediately recognized that she was right. While I had what I would consider a great relationship with both of my parents, I certainly did not know as much about them as I do about some of my best friends. I knew my best friends’ dreams, their challenges and the intimacies of their struggles over the course of their lives. I couldn't say the same about the two people who had done more for me than anyone else. Once I realized this, something felt off. I knew there was something that needed to be done to reclaim my integrity.
To me, I think of Integrity as the active state of living our values, honoring our agreements and telling the truth. So, how was I out of integrity? Well, I hadn’t shared all of the questions I had about my parents that I wondered about. Mostly for fear of making them uncomfortable. One of my core values is connection and I didn’t feel as connected to them as my best friends. This is where the opportunity became clear.
Question for the reader - do you really know your parents?
Do you know them as intimately as you know your best friends? Do you know your parents as deeply as you would like your kids to know you one day? Would you be “complete” if they were to pass away tomorrow?
If your answer is no, the steps below outline the simple exercise that may help you to change your answer.
Lauren (my coach) had a great saying that I remember to this day, “If everyone just took care of their family, we’d have world peace.”
There is a reason that people don’t do the deeper work with their families and parents, it can be incredibly difficult and triggering. We carry trauma and resentment for things that happened earlier in life. We project our own stuff onto them. We have to deal with age gaps and the cultural differences that have emerged between our generations.
While challenging, there is immense growth available to us should we choose to embrace them. If we can create true connection with our parents, we show ourselves that we can create it anywhere.
Part 3: Write down the questions that honor your curiosity
Once it became clear that I didn't know my parents as deeply as I would like to, my coach encouraged me to write down all of the questions that I wanted to know about my parents that I had never asked. Everything from stories about their childhood, to their current aspirations and challenges, to how much money they had in the bank, to whether or not they had an active sex life when they were still married.
Anything that I wanted to know, I was invited to write them down in a list. I decided to start my list with easier, more accessible questions about positive memories and lessons learned. I saved the end of my list for some of the deeper questions that dealt with more delicate subjects (challenge, trauma, regret etc.)
Action for the reader: Write down your list
If you would like to get to understand your parents and connect on the deepest level, create your list(s) and write down every question that you want to know about them. At this stage, do not concern yourself with concerns about their openness or availability to answer the questions. This part of the exercise is just about you getting clear on what it is that you would like to know that you don't currently. Your opportunity and responsibility is to be honest with your curiosity.
Here are fifteen questions to get you started…
What are some of your favorite memories from your childhood?
What was the biggest challenge from your childhood? What did you learn from it?
Who was the most influential mentor or teacher in your life? How did they impact you?
How did you and Mom/Dad fall in love? If they are together, ask them the secret to a happy marriage. If they are separated, ask them what was missing or why they split.
What is the biggest obstacle you’ve overcome in your adult life? What did you take away from the experience?
What is the most prideful moment of your adult life that is not related to me or your other kids?
What is your favorite memory with me as a child?
Is there a particular value or values that you have tried to live your life by? What have been your guiding principles?
What is your wish for me as an adult?
Do you have any regrets? Things that you wish you had done or done differently?
How are you most different from your parents?
What was most challenging about raising me? Was there anything you wish you had done differently?
What haven’t you done yet in your life that you know you want to do before you die?
What is most challenging for you these days? What are the things that I can do to best support you as we get older?
Is there anything I don’t know about you, that you would like me to?
The questions can be super deep, or surface level and fun. You can ask about childhood trauma and their favorite concerts, it only needs to be authentic and exhaustive.If you have trouble thinking of any questions on your own, you could simply share the 15 questions I offered above and let the rest emerge naturally.
Part 4: Setting the container
Once you have your questions, you are ready to reach out. It is important to be strategic with how you position this conversation so that your parents are primed to receive your invitation with openness and clarity of purpose.
I believe it is best to set up dedicated time and space for this conversation or interview, call it whatever feels more natural to you. Tell your parents that you read about an exercise all about asking your parents the questions that you have always wanted to know about them.
There are a few ways that you can frame your invitation so that they are most likely to be receptive. Consider the options below and frame your outreach in the way that makes the most sense for your situation…
Tell them that you want to preserve their legacy for future generations and asking these questions is going to make it easier for you to do this. This angle is more for them and future family members.
Tell them that you are on your own journey of personal growth and feel that it is going to be really beneficial to understand them more deeply. Some parents are more likely to do deeper work like this when they feel like it is of service to their kids. This is more for us.
Depending on whether you decide to do this in person or virtually, you can also offer to record the conversation. Storycorps.org provides a free app that guides you through this process - www.storycorps.org.
For this exercise to go well, creating safety is essential. One of the things I did with my father that contributed to him feeling safe, was approaching this interview as much more of a listening exercise than anything else. Before we began, I told him that I was committed to simply asking the questions and listening to his answers.
I was very intentional about not expressing judgment or challenging him on things that I believed he was being dishonest about. This exercise was about understanding his worldview, stories and perspective through his eyes.
If something comes up that is contentious or deserving of a deeper check-in, make note of it and circle back to it during another dedicated conversation. Let this interview be about getting to know your parents and simply listening.
Part 5: Share your appreciation, all of it.
Once you make it through your questions, I recommend that you close your conversation by sharing all of the appreciation and gratitude that you feel for your parents. When I say all of it, I mean all of it.
A big part of feeling complete with our parents is knowing that we have shared everything. Right up there with our curiosity, appreciation is a crucial piece of our truth that deserves to be shared. At my last company, tribute.co we had a mantra, “ if you have anything nice to say, say it all.” There is no reason to leave the appreciation we feel for our parents inside of us.
Here are some prompts to help you consider all the ways that you might appreciate your parent:
What are the things about their character and “who they are” as a person that you admire?
What are the things they have done or sacrificed that you appreciate?
What are the experiences or memories that they have created or made possible that you value most?
What aspects of their parenting do you seek to carry forward into how you will parent your children?
I have helped hundreds of people to do this exercise and one of the biggest reasons that I typically get from people who don't want to share all of their appreciation, is that they have some unfinished business that they would like to clear up first. they want a parent to apologize or take ownership for something but they have done in the past. I will respond by asking that person whether they think their parents will be more available to take ownership and apologize from a place of being fully appreciated, or not that.
When people know how much we appreciate them, they're more likely to show up for us in the ways that we need them to. Even if they're not, I still believe that our appreciation deserves a voice and we will never regret sharing it.
Once you are complete with one parent, rinse and repeat with the other.
One of the most beautiful aspects of doing this exercise is that it sets a new foundation of curiosity and authenticity in our relationship with our parents. With whatever time we have left with our parents, it becomes easier to give a voice to our curiosity and the questions that arise about them. Our picture of them becomes more clear and often, it becomes easier to appreciate them and accept them for who they are, flaws and all.
My journey: The road to Relational Leadership
I never could have imagined what would emerge in my interview with my Father. In many ways, our initial conversation ended up sparking more questions than it provided answers. The information I discovered led me on one of the most intense soul-searching journeys of my entire life. A journey that foundationally molded my appreciation for Relational Leadership and the power it has to change our relationships, and the world.
I learned about my Father’s happy memories, “failed marriages” and childhood trauma that he had never discussed with anyone before. A few days after this conversation with my father, it hit me. If we didn’t have this conversation, he would very likely have gone to his grave without sharing it with anyone else, or being fully seen. (I can now say quite certainly that this thought would have been true)
The last thing that shame wants is to be seen, but that is precisely what it needs to be integrated and overcome.
At my core, I knew that I wanted to fully witness my father and let him know that I loved him, all of him. I know that asking these questions is the reason that I confidently say that I was able to do that before his passing.
I don’t want to make this sound like it was all fun and connection, it was actually quite disruptive to my life, perception of my Father and our relationship at first.
Along with his own trauma, I learned of serious transgressions that he had committed in the past that led me on a deeply confronting journey of discovery and reconciliation. Over time, I was able to work with my father and several of the people he had hurt so that he could apologize and take ownership where it was called for.
At my dad’s funeral, someone important walked up to me crying and shared that if not for these conversations and their reconciliation, they would not have had a relationship with my Father during his passing. They told me how grateful they were for leading us into these challenging conversations so they could re-establish a connection before his death. Moments like this were validation for all the hard work I had put in. The pursuit of honesty and understanding had paid off with true connection before it was too late. Not just for me, but many in my family.
Those little moments in the car…
As I mentioned, this week is the one year anniversary of my Father’s passing.
I don’t think of him very often these days. When I do, it is usually during a longer commute in the car. This is when I would typically call him. My hand will unconsciously drift to my phone with the intention of a quick chat…and then my mind catches up and realizes that this is no longer possible.
In those moments, I will usually smile, sometimes I’ll cry. I will think about my father, our relationship and more than anything else…the feeling between us when he passed.
The energy of completion. The knowing that I had said everything that deserved to be said. I asked all the questions I wanted to know, shared the appreciation I had to share and gave him an opportunity to step back into integrity on his own terms.
I believe this was one of the most important things I’ll ever do. For myself, my family and everyone that comes after us.
I hope it can be meaningful for you and your family as well. Godspeed.