Articulating sexuality: Create deeper self-awareness and more authentic relationships by defining sexual desires

A powerful journaling exercise to explore and articulate your sexuality—unlock deeper self-awareness, intimacy, and authentic connection.

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So much of my coaching work revolves around the exploration of identity. According to the Identity Model of Change, it is not clear goals, strategies, or tactics that ultimately drive behavior change—it is our sense of self. The more we uncover our true self and transform the conditioned, counterproductive aspects of our identity, the more freedom we have to express ourselves authentically and confidently in the world.

There are many ways to explore identity—through values, legacy, and our relational identities (father, son etc.) to name a few. After years of identity work with individual clients and large groups, I am convinced that one aspect of identity is the most unexamined, repressed and burdened with shame: our sexuality.

Sexuality refers to our physical, emotional, and psychological experiences related to sex, gender, and intimacy. It encompasses a broad range of aspects, including: sexual orientation, desires, health and fears etc.

You might be asking yourself why an executive leadership coach is writing about bondage and orgies. The reason is simple: I believe the more clarity we have about who we truly are, the more powerfully we can show up in the world. As a boss, partner, or parent.

To fully accept and ultimately love ourselves, we have to be clear about who we are. Sexuality is so taboo in our culture that few of us are ever empowered to fully articulate and connect with this part of our identity. Even fewer are given the tools to share it honestly with their partner.

As we increase awareness of our sexuality and share it with objectivity and positive intent, we can create space for the people we care about to embrace their own sexuality and in turn, themselves.

So, how does one begin to define and articulate their sexuality?

That’s exactly what this article aims to help you do. Below you will find a simple journaling exercise designed to bring clarity to your sexual preferences, desires, kinks, and dislikes. You can do this on your own or with a partner.

How to Articulate Your Sexuality

The first time I did this exercise… er, “sexercise”, I did it in a pretty radical way.

After my divorce in 2022, I was clear that sexual compatibility with my next partner was a priority.

When I met my now fiancée, Melissa, there was an undeniable chemistry between us. Even though things were working, me being the relational nerd that I am, I wanted to take it to the next level.

On one of our first trips together, I proposed an experiment. I invited us both to write down all our fantasies, desires, fears and kinks in a personal journal entry before the trip. Then, on the first night, we would reveal our lists to each other—exploring where we aligned, where we differed, and how we could use this information to deepen our connection.

One thing I explicitly stated before we began was that misalignment didn’t mean incompatibility. One of my primary goals for my next partnership was to create a relationship built on radical transparency and honesty. Even if one of us wasn’t available to meet the other’s desires, our relationship would be stronger for having a space where we could be fully honest.

So, we did it.

Under the stars at an outdoor cafe in Joshua Tree, we shared our lists. Fortunately for us, we were largely aligned and it led to one of my favorite dinners I can remember. I can still remember Melissa blushing for about 50% of the date.

The exercise opened new doors for exploration and most importantly, it deepened our trust in each other and our connection. More than the awareness of our desires, this exercise reaffirmed something fundamental: in the best relationships, there is nothing to hide.

If we crave authentic relationships, then our sexuality deserves as much attention as any other core part of who we are. We must be willing to risk rejection if we want to be fully known. We must be willing to face judgment if we want to create relationships built on truth.

So, whether you’re doing this exercise alone for self-awareness or with a partner to increase intimacy, enjoy the process.

How to define your sexuality exercise:

1. Start by taking time to journal about your sexuality. Consider answering these prompts:

- What are my desires? The things I like and want to do more of.

- What are my fears and any shame I carry around my sexuality?

- What are my curiosities? The things I’d like to explore, that I’m not experienced in.

- What are my absolute no-go’s? Clear boundaries related to sex.

- What is my sexual orientation? The types of people I am into.

- Are there any sexual health issues that are important for my partner to know?

- What is my preferred relationship dynamic? I.e. monogamous, polyamorous, monogamish etc.

Here is a helpful guide / menu of sexual desires and explorations that you can use to better define your sexuality:

I. Core Desires & Relationship to Sexuality

- Sensual vs. Sexual: Do you lean more toward slow, intimate touch or raw, passionate encounters?

- Emotional Connection: Do you need a deep emotional bond to feel aroused, or can you enjoy purely physical sex?

- Dominance vs. Submission: Do you prefer to lead, follow, or switch?

- Variety vs. Repetition: Do you like a steady routine or crave new experiences?

- Private vs. Exhibitionistic: Do you prefer to explore sexuality in private or in ways that could be seen by others?

- Spiritual vs. Physical: Do you see sex as a purely physical act or a path to spiritual connection?

- Shame & Inhibition: What internalized messages hold you back from full sexual expression?

- Shadow Work: What parts of your sexuality feel forbidden?

- Sexual preference: Gay, straight, bi-sexual etc.

II. Common Sexual Acts & Positions

- Oral Sex (giving/receiving)

- Creative sex positions (doggy, reverse cowgirl, lotus etc.)

- Rough sex

- Mutual Masturbation

- Anal Play (rimming, anal penetration, pegging, prostate stimulation)

- Role Reversal (e.g., gender play,dominant/submissive switches)

- Sensory Play (feather tickling, wax play, temperature play)

- Edging & Teasing

- Body Worship (feet, hands, muscles, curves)

- Deep Penetration (e.g., A-spot, cervix, prostate-focused)

- Shallow & Sensual Touching

- Hair pulling

III. Fantasy-Based Exploration

- Power Dynamics (dominance, submission, consensual non-consent, praise/degradation)

- Voyeurism (watching others, being watched)

- Exhibitionism (public play, semi-public teasing)

- Group Play (threesomes, orgies, cuckolding, swinging)

- Partner Sharing & Cuckolding

- BDSM & Impact Play (spanking, flogging, whipping, caning)

- Age Play (daddy/mommy dynamics, caregiver/little)

- Uniforms & Role Play (nurse/patient, professor/student, authority figures)

- Humiliation (light teasing to degradation)

- Choking & Breath Play (edge play with safety considerations)

- Dirty Talk (explicit, romantic, dominant, submissive)

IV. Kinks & Fetishes

- Bondage (rope play, cuffs, shibari)

- Orgasm Control (denial, forced orgasms, ruined orgasms)

- Forced Fantasies (consensual non-consent, ravishment play)

- Exhibitionism (nude modeling, public sex, hidden exposure)

- Food Play (chocolate, whipped cream, temperature play)

- Electro Play (violet wand, electro-stimulation)

- Sploshing (messy, food-based play)

- Gender Play (cross-dressing, feminization, sissification)

- Financial Domination (findom, tributes, forced budgeting)

- Fisting (vaginal, anal)

- Taboos (teacher-student, religious-based fantasies)

- Sensory Deprivation (blindfolds, noise-canceling headphones)

- Tactile Sensations (latex, silk, fur, leather, nylon)

- Foot Fetish

V. Tantra & Sacred Sexuality

- Eye Gazing & Soul Connection

- Conscious Breathwork During Sex

- Kundalini Activation

- Semen Retention & Ejaculatory Control

- Yoni & Lingam Worship (devotional oral, full-body touch)

- Slow Sex & Extended Lovemaking

- Dual Orgasms & Multi-Orgasmic Training

- Sex Magic (manifesting desires through orgasm)

- Orgasmic Meditation (OMing)

- Tantric Massage (lingam/yoni massage, full-body touch)

- Erotic Energy Exchange (non-touch sex, aura sex)

- Tantric BDSM (combining Tantra & power dynamics)

- Sacred Kink (incorporating spirituality into BDSM)

- Neo-Tantric Sensory Play (scent, music, light touch)

VI. Non-Monogamous & Alternative Relationship Models

- Ethical Non-Monogamy (polyamory, open relationships, swinging)

- Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Relationships

- Relationship Anarchy (rejecting relationship labels)

- Monogamish (monogamy with occasional sexual exploration)

- Group Dynamics (triads, quads, relationship networks)

VII. Psychological & Emotional Aspects of Desire

- Erotic Blueprints (sensual, kinky, energetic, sexual, shapeshifter)

- Attachment & Sexuality (secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized)

- Trauma & Healing Through Sex (reclaiming body autonomy)

- Fantasies vs. Reality: What should remain a fantasy vs. explored in real life?

- Guilt & Shame: What old sexual scripts do you want to rewrite?

2. Once complete, meet up, share your list and review them using a traffic light scale:

- Red: Not interested, hard boundary.

- Yellow: Maybe, open to deeper conversation.

- Green: Excited to explore.

3. Set the container intentionally

If doing this with a partner, approach the conversation with curiosity and a commitment to avoid shame or judgment. Embrace curiosity and try to understand them and explore their answers with the same type of compassion you would like your desires to be met with.

Remember the difference between urges and desires. We don’t control our thoughts and in turn, we don’t control our urges—they arise naturally. A desire is an urge with an explanation of why we want that thing, it has some deeper intentionality and understanding.

Set the context for safety. The goal is not to pressure each other into anything but to create a space where both partners can be fully expressed. This is an exercise to show both partners that it is safe to be fully themselves.

The true power of sharing this exercise

If you feel resistance to doing this exercise with your partner, join the club! Most importantly, I’d encourage you to get curious about that resistance.

It is natural to worry that we will be judged, criticized or even rejected when we share our needs and desires in a relationship. This is true for our sexuality or basic needs that we have with a friend or coworker.

Ultimately, this fear is the price of authenticity and true intimacy. To truly connect, we must be willing to share the real, raw version of ourselves.

It takes courage to share honestly and openly, but more often than not, people appreciate us for it and we feel better about ourselves after doing it.

Is there a risk that a partner may feel uncomfortable, judge you or be unavailable to meet some of our desires or needs, yes.

But, also…isn’t it important to understand whether someone you are seeing romantically is interested and available to meet your needs?

Isn’t it also possible that they ARE available to meet your needs and by sharing your needs you create space for them to share the things that they actually want as well. Certainly yes.

What is the alternative to sharing? Suppress our honest needs and desires for the rest of our lives based on the story of how we assume people will respond to them?

To me, the greater risk than possible rejection in sharing our needs, is to never be fully known.

This fear is also backed up by research that has been done on the greatest regrets of the dying. The #1 regret of dying is literally, “I wish I had lived a life that was more true and authentic to myself.”

So, let your sexuality be known, like all parts of you.

Don’t get to the end of life with truth still inside. Be it your sexuality or any meaningful aspect of who you are.

And of course, If you have really great sex after doing this exercise, let me know :)

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P.S. Here is a great podcast I did several years ago about “what most people misunderstand about sexuality” with my friend and world-renowned tantra teacher, Layla Martin.